una cuerva libre

empezar de nuevo

2011-11-14T15:45:00.000-05:00

Ever felt like you want to start over?
No, not forget everything, not forget anything.
Just start again...

Not between me and you. Not you and others.
Not you and your family... everyone.

Everyone you've resented; everyone who's hurt you;
everyone who has added turmoil to your life;
everyone that has helped to create that darkness inside;
everyone and everything.
Just start again...lighten your load,
get the freedom of heart you felt as a child,
when life was nothing but hopeful.
Not take away your future pain,
nor take away your current struggles,
just remove the heaviness that's already there...

ever felt that way?

I did... once.

My pain may not be yours or even equal to yours,
my burdens may not have been as heavy,
or maybe were, and more so...
The joy you saw in me when you met me
is a product of the transformation I went through,
and the lack of joy you may see in me now
is the result of years of complacency,
forgetting what was done for me, and letting it pile up again.
But if you want it... that light feeling of burdens lifted
that cause people to burst into tears from the freedom of it all,
If you want it, it will require something from you.

Faith.

Faith in love, and the ultimate source of love.
Faith in a love that makes absolutely no sense,
that I cannot explain or even attempt to explain.
A love that goes deeper than we can imagine,
deeper than we have for our family or friends,
who may hurt us, but who we cannot help but love.
Faith in that love manifested,
that enables us to love like we have been loved:
unconditionally, unexploited, unselfishly, uncontrollably.

It's yours
if you want it.

'If the Son therefore shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.'
John 8:36

el niño Jamaica

2011-11-14T14:33:00.001-05:00

I feel like our country is the little kid in the family trying its best to be like an adult. We see the adults do things and we want to do them too, but we don't fully understand all the back-end it takes to get it working right. We just see the front part, and copy only what we see.

So, we sign international conventions and write laws, but they are not weighty enough to serve as any real deterrent or meat out any real justice, and worse, the procedures don't take you all the way through the various scenarios. Officers have to make it up as they go along when a client poses something for which there is no procedure; written procedures change mid-stream when it is realized that it is not actionable; etc. The necessary support system of trained staffing, appropriate payment structure and coverage, and correct infrastructure is typically not in place. Systems that ensure fairness, distribution of resources, proper care for the poor and elderly, sustainable living for all income brackets are simply not in place. We are striving to be the place to live, work, and do business, but I think we first need to stop playing dolly house and start thinking through our domestic situations holistically and thoroughly.

la playa... bueno para la salud

2011-10-25T10:07:00.003-05:00

Reading a blog by a cancer survivor who was on Smile Jamaica this morning, I came across this little bit of information:

"There's overwhelming evidence pointing to the fact that vitamin D deficiency plays a crucial role in cancer development. Researchers within this field have estimated that about 30 percent of cancer deaths could be prevented each year simply by optimizing the vitamin D levels in the general population..."

"On a personal level, you can decrease your risk of cancer by MORE THAN HALF simply by optimizing your vitamin D levels with sun exposure."

Yes, you can get vitamin D from the sun... and where else to get loads of sun but the BEACH!

So, if

BEACH = SUN, and SUN = Vitamin D, and Vitamin D + You = Healthy

then the only equation you need remember is

BEACH + YOU = HEALTHY!!

Healthy lyme anyone?

a natural

2011-09-20T09:05:00.005-05:00

Since the rejection of harsh chemicals in my hair back in 2004, and the reaffirmation of the confidence-boosting idea that the natural me is the best me, I have been slowly introducing new, more natural solutions into my life. No more brand-name styling gels to keep my hair tame, no more wasted money on a pack of pads every month, no more expensive lotions to keep my skin moisturized, no more conventional deodorants even!

Being in an all-female work team has the huge plus of being able to share these very useful natural care ideas and even the products themselves. We don't exactly have it to a science just yet, but these girls are even making their own soaps. As for me, I've been off store-bought deodorant for over 4 months now, and the natural option works just as good or sometimes better.

There's a bit of self-embracing that is needed when trying some of these options. Preferring your natural clean body scent over the perfumed scent offered by the store-bought products is one. Thankfully for me, the people (especially the males) in my support net have always preferred the natural me to anything else. My fiance and my brother are two of my biggest supporters.

Last Call abre mañana

2011-07-28T16:05:00.000-05:00

It is June 1949 in Kingston—the affluent heart of British Jamaica. At the swanky Myrtle Bank Hotel, four lives are about to change.Ten years ago, four best friends going their separate ways made a vow to meet in the hotel lobby on this day. Three of them have forgotten.

Come see and hear the style of the period in this musical and theatrical treat. Whether you are young now, or were young then, this is a production you do not want to miss.

Written by Keiran King, directed by Keiran King & Michael Daley with music by Karen Armstrong and choreography by Paula Shaw.

Last Call is an Eight Seven Six production.

música que funciona

2011-07-21T12:29:00.002-05:00

I've been feeling really lethargic lately, coupled with my clothes getting smaller and my midsection expanding, completely devoid of the ab muscles that once existed. A consequence of inactivity, I know. And while that has been happening physically, I've been feeding my body spiritually by focusing my listening time with either worship music or great building programmes, like Focus on the Family (awesome, let me tell you!). That part works great. But as a result, I've been listening to lots of soulful music lately.

Yesterday in the car I could not stand to hear one more soulful song, and after failed attempts to land something better on the radio, I popped in a soca CD. The sigh came almost immediately. My energy tank got boosted into its usual overdrive, and I joyfully danced my way to work. While there, I decided to re-read some posts of one of favourite bloggers, now inactive, which had me literally in stitches!

Then, today, I realize I have pains in my abs!! Good pains. Those great pains you feel after you work out. Who would have thunk that all this time when I was laughing and dancing my way through life, I was helping myself stay in shape.

Here's to many more days of belly-aching laughter and high energy music!

en mi cabeza

2011-05-26T12:18:00.007-05:00

The psychological exploration has begun, a journey I am not familiar taking. It's not that I do no analysis, it's just that relatively it seems the amount I do is minuscule.

But now, whether I like it or not, I have embarked on a short term analytical experiment to arrive in the seat of long term psychological journey.

I pray I'm ready for the ride.

no amor para el trabajo

2011-05-26T11:45:00.004-05:00

I love my job.

I'm not sure I've ever expressed this the right way when telling people about where I work or what I do. I complain about it a whole lot, but the actual tasks I have to perform are important, meaningful, and matter a great deal, sometimes to too many people (or countries) than I would care for. Having a job with weight and importance - even if no one else realizes it but our Unit - makes me love it and want to do it. So what do I complain about?

The system.

There simply is none. No framework to get the job done, much less done right. None.

Give me a great job in a pop-down, beat-up, dragged-out, dreary system and I am bound to hate it. It doesn't matter if you move me to a different department, change my job function, increase my salary even... if you don't change the system and the framework, you automatically make me hate my job. But changing the system is extremely hard when its buried deep in the heart of discarded reels of red tape.

el prejuicio de color

2011-03-07T11:57:00.004-05:00

I have not found Jamaica to be as racially prejudiced as I have observed in other places. I would even say it almost doesn't really exist here. What I have seen however is a very clear prejudice of class and colour, and I find they go hand in hand. It is true that you will almost never find a light-skinned Jamaican in the slums... unless he bleached to get that way. Our history already dictated that fact, and the minds of the people have not changed these many decades later. The very act of bleaching tells the story. The fact that someone would think their skin colour unworthy because its too dark, reveals very strongly our bias for light skin and the associated meanings. For some, it means opportunity, wealth, beauty, upward mobility. Sigh.

I have grown up in an environment of beggars and sometimes I take it for granted. It's in our culture and I'm used to being begged. But over the past year I have noticed the trend increasing. Now, people beg us ALL the time. We expect begging at certain places: stop lights, walking along in New Kingston etc. But the frequency of the begging increases almost 200% when I'm with my light-skinned fiance over when I'm not. And all the time the beggars are hardly even looking in my direction. I am just now grasping what my light-skinned nationals have been plagued with all their lives. For him, the incessant begging is an everyday occurrence... and for me, I stand there in disbelief that he can't go anywhere without someone thinking he has money enough to give away some.

We still have a long way to go Jamaica.

el paradójico

2011-03-04T08:50:00.005-05:00

People's minds are weird places. It always amuses me when persons speak dogmatically about something and yet their own lives don't display the very things they say they dislike or even like in others. And the funnier part is... we all do it! ... and then there we sit with our feet in our mouths.

I'd learnt long ago to stay out of people's affairs. Observe them? sure. And boy are they amusing to observe. Judge them? Well that's a different story. For who am I to judge what I do not really know, and how can I judge when I myself am human and guilty.

We all crash... and sometimes we burn.

el compromiso 1.1.11

2011-02-02T08:48:00.007-05:00

Following directly on the heels of witnessing one of my friends get married, I was surprised to find myself next in line. Dressed in all white, with the background of new year fireworks, my beau asked me to marry him and I said YES! :D

Thus began our year-long engagement: a time of joint planning, joint accounts, joint stresses and loads of joint excitement! (no puns with weed intended)

la pintura

2011-01-31T10:17:00.002-05:00

I've been painting again.

The awesomeness of spending entire stretches of time around my easel is catching up with me. I feel like I could literally spend my life doing this, and why not? I finally finished a challenging (and thus exciting) commissioned piece this weekend and am happy with the finished product. There will always be things I want to tweak, but I have declared it done and handed it over.

It reiterated something for me: boundaries breed creativity.

I can't wait to start my next one!

hablando y hablando

2010-12-24T13:02:00.002-05:00

A counselling degree is clearly needed for this job position. 8 out of 10 callers just want to talk and vent. No listening. No questions. No real answers required. Just to talk.

turismo y los hechos

2010-12-06T11:17:00.002-05:00

Mangrove forests are often seen as obstructions to one's view from a bay-side hotel, obstacles to easy beach access, mosquito infested muddy swamps holding back progress and hindering tourism development.

Often vilified by developers, lending agencies, and governments alike, they are allowed to be rapidly cleared for the promise of great profits from industrial-scale developments.

National, regional, and local governments have failed to adequately regulate the tourism industry. At the same time, multi-lateral lending agencies have rushed headlong to fund these kinds of developments without meeting their own stated ecological and social criteria.

Mangroves are being felled and filled to construct:

golf courses
cruise ship ports and pleasure craft marinas
hotels, condos, and restaurants

The impact:

Declines in fisheries due to habitat loss
Traditional fisherman populations forcibly evicted from coastal areas
Reduction of mangrove greenbelt buffers

Natural disaster impacts are greater due to mangrove loss. Areas are left more susceptible to tsunamis, cyclones, hurricanes, rouge waves, etc.

(taken from a colleague)

el plástico y el petróleo

2010-11-15T11:05:00.006-05:00

el momento numero 21026

2010-10-26T09:44:00.002-05:00

As I approached the intersection a thought entered my mind:

'wow, that traffic is thick, maybe I should turn off, give mom the car and walk the rest of the way to work.'

But, I was in the wrong lane. As the light changed, the car in the adjacent lane lagged just enough for me to go in front and turn. Wonderful! As I did this, I articulated to the passengers in the car:

'Mom, the traffic is murder, I'll walk up from here. You take the car and keep going.'

Her response?

'Thank you Lord! I whispered back here that I had hoped you would turn off but would not have dared to suggest you give up your car and walk to work.'

Coincidence? I think not.

la lengua de amor

2010-10-20T11:25:00.005-05:00

1. Affirming Words
2. Quality Time
3. Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

All the counselling he has done with couples and family has led him to break down how people express or speak love into these 5 categories... 5 love languages. He likens them to accents, where you tend to relate to the same accents that you use to speak.

I found the whole thing rather intriguing and could see lots of truths coming out in my own life. How many times have we been speaking love in our own language, with our own accent, maybe not even realizing that our beneficiary doesn't speak the same way.

Jiizas, an di buk we Luuk rait bout im

2010-09-06T09:25:00.009-05:00

The Jamaican Creole (Bible) Translation Project has taken the Book of Luke and translated it into Jamaican Patois (the same Cassidy System I have used on this blog). If the reason for doing this was to make it easier to read for the Jamaican populous, then I believe it to be failure, as a good amount of that populous cannot even read English much less Patois. However, if the reason was to make it more appealing to the already literate Jamaica, I give it two thumbs up.

Having only read the first chapter, I can tell you that it is the best reading of the Bible I have had in my three decades, and the most hilarious. I almost guarantee that Jamaicans who never cared for reading the Bible before, will be intrigued, amused, and pleasantly surprised at the joy that comes from reading it in dialect. I was in stitches. I simply can't wait to get to read the rest!

noche y dia

2010-09-02T15:58:00.003-05:00

Mornings are wonderful as the bed shoulders my every need and leaves me lost in the wonderful world of my mind. The dream is interrupted only by the light unconsciously tickling my eyelids, prying them slowly open. When they finally give way, like a broken damn, every thought comes flooding into the mind: tasks, chores, responsibilities... all rush in like hungry animals waiting all night to feed. The body sighs as each thought drag its heavy load behind it... the heaviest common to them all - it's a work day.

interpret me #4

2010-08-12T17:06:00.000-05:00

'aigl jakaas falo caan bomp go a poun'

la pereza

2010-07-29T13:18:00.006-05:00

Laziness becomes me.

My bed feels so great in the mornings that getting out is an ever increasing chore.

I am so excited for the days I get to sleep those wonderful extra hours. How heavenly the thought :)

reforma de gobierno

2010-07-26T11:00:00.005-05:00

The Green Paper is out on the reform of the Public Sector, and I have to say, I am a little disappointed though not surprised in the least.

I thought with all the talk, at the very least, something drastic was being put on the table. Maybe there is, for other sectors, but not for the environment. I'm seeing no real change. Some shuffling around of who belongs where, and that's it. No useful mergers or dissolution. Having separate bodies under one Ministry doesn't make their work more integrated, it just lumps them together by name alone.

But what's the problem with that? Well, there are some gaps, many in fact. One example, solid waste, which is not being managed properly, because the regulator is a competitor in the field. So what they have done is remove the regulatory arm and placed it where? Not sure yet. You would think it would have been the other way around since there are already existing private companies that could benefit from the lack of competition. Alas.

... and pardon my ignorance, but can someone explain the difference between Single Road Authority (proposed new authority) and Land Transport Authority (proposed merged authority) when the majority of land transportation in this country is by road? Doesn't that sound like more redundant agencies? And here I was thinking we were trying to weed that out. Go figure.

tener sentido

2010-07-21T08:08:00.003-05:00

Common... 'widespread; general; ordinary'.
Commonsense... 'sound practical judgment that is independent of specialized knowledge, training, or the like; normal native intelligence.'

...independent of specialized knowledge or training... but still dependent on some training albeit not the intentional or direct kind. I think most of us take for granted that commonsense is something you are born with, and while I agree that we do possess a remarkable amount of intelligence at birth, I think most of what we grow to think is commonsense is still learnt behaviour.

That said, maybe the widespread learning of this common behaviour has somehow been stunted over the years, because more and more people are displaying what would seem to be an overwhelming lack of, or reduction in, commonsense. (Take driving on Jamaican roads for example). In general, basic things that you would believe people would stop to consider are either not considered, or blatantly ignored. Of course, it could also just be that the sense is there, but the care for their own selves is not.

mis dos trabajos

2010-07-13T18:04:00.003-05:00

For the past couple months, while we prepared for Panfest, I felt as though I had two full-time jobs. One paid in cash, and the other in kind, but both drained my time and energy. I found I unconsciously gave more energy to the job that paid in kind simply because it was something I wanted to do. I could not help think about the art and magic of it... literally.

Now that Panfest is over, I am left with the aftermath of neglect on my pay-job desk. Deadlines that have zoomed by and have completely escaped my consciousness for weeks after they have already gone. The pile of files seems immovable even with back to back days of me being first-in and last-out of the office. I have spent a week playing catch-up and am still groping around in the dark trying to find myself under all these files.

And yet, I find I am not half as stressed here in the office as I am during the Pan season. In fact, I am almost content. Not with having missed deadlines of course, nor with the fact that Pan is over, but definitely with the knowledge that I have just completed something I absolutely love to do. I get stressed then, because I care so deeply about the quality of the final product. Admittedly for me, Panfest 2010 was not the blast I hoped it would have been. I suppose when compared to the absolute high of 2k8, it never stood a chance... but with Liam in the mix, it definitely held its own glory. Though I will take a mandatory break from the artistic planning for a while, I will still have much to do, and always look forward to the times when I am forced to balance my two jobs.

proceso de aprendizaje

2010-07-13T10:50:00.003-05:00

The poor little bird takes too long to learn that there is no use trying to fly through the glass window. He sees no obstruction and is bewildered by the fact that he cannot get pass the frame no matter how hard he flies. He will give up only when he finally accepts that it is not penetrable, or when he hurts himself too much to fly harder.

cumpleaños de mi amiguita

2010-07-09T09:57:00.004-05:00

A rounded number passed yesterday, that wonderful figure eight, balanced on both the top and bottom... just like the Diva that the world received on the same day many years before.

There are some friendships that seem like they will last forever by virtue of the distance and time they span. This one may not be yet counted in time, but distance, definitely. Hailing from two completely different backgrounds, languages, countries and years, we find ourselves joined by the soul for a time period short enough to be less than a quarter of our lives, yet long enough to last a lifetime.

İFelicidades Alex!
İTe extraño!

¿las palabras o el corazón?

2010-05-26T08:48:00.004-05:00

Before God and all mankind, I pledge the love and loyalty of my heart, the wisdom and courage of my mind, the strength and vigour of my body in the service of my fellow citizens. I promise to stand up for justice, brotherhood and peace; to work diligently and creatively; to think generously and honestly, so that Jamaica may, under God, increase in beauty, fellowship and prosperity, and play her part in advancing the welfare of the whole human race.

la fachada libertad de un país

2010-05-25T19:40:00.005-05:00

I love the islands.

When I think of leaving or moving, I think of going to another island. There's something about the ecological beauty of an island that touches me more than any large continent. Recently, the two places I have lived or wanted to live have suffered at the hands of what I can no longer easily label corruption or crime because it's never that black and white.

The islands in the news: Jamaica and Puerto Rico. For two different reasons, things have turned ugly in these two islands in May 2010. One struggles to be 'free', the other has its 'freedom' and then struggles to maintain any part of the word.

Right now I'm not too sure what 'freedom' is. I believe that everyone has a different view and that the millions of shades of gray make it impossible to attain any type of real freedom for all.

el tiempo de mi vida

2010-05-06T11:36:00.002-05:00

It would seem as though from the time I set foot on the University of the West Indies campus, I became doomed not to leave it. After 4 years of study, I found myself constantly returning to its soil to the calling that got me there before I was even accepted... the sweet sounds of pan.

Pan aside however, I actually have very fond memories of my time there as a student. Looking back, I would say some were the best years of my life. It was there I ignited my passion for marine ecology; learned to swim, snorkel and dive; dissected the biology of organisms and their very flesh at the same time. It was there I learned to be meticulous with the details of my lab notebook, something that helped me tremendously as a researcher in later years. It was there my skin got scorched by the sun, my muscles strengthened, and my feet wet and wrinkled as we explored seagrass beds, rivers, mangrove swamps, rocky shores and grasslands.

I can't and won't speak for any other Faculty at UWI, but I proudly say that I was in one of the best combinations of courses offered in the Life Sciences department, with some of the best lecturers. May the passion I had then, that led me here now, be ignited once again and sustained.

la paciencia para completar

2010-04-28T13:28:00.005-05:00

I am fighting a battle of completion, instilled in me by the people in my life in my early years, possibly my parents.

I hate to quit... to just stop.

I will talk about walking away. I will argue the points. But once something has a definite ending point, it is the hardest thing for me to leave before it actually ends. Even for my graduate degree, I wanted to leave; to chuck it all, but I knew deep down I could not. I'm almost hard-wired not to.

I'm there again. Wanting to leave and feeling compelled by my nature to stay. Feeling like if I walk away now, I could miss something great in store for me because of my impatience. Hm. And it seems this theme echos loudly inside my life walls.

el amor completo

2010-04-23T08:50:00.004-05:00

While looking at a picture of Lover's Leap in St. Elizabeth, I had to admire how breathtakingly beautiful Jamaica really is. But everything can look gorgeous from afar, or at the right angle.

For me, to love a place is to know it all. Not just the outskirts that only the tourists see, but the heart and drive of it... the ugly and dirty of it. If after seeing all these, there is still a profound appreciation and attraction, therein lies honest love.

And to love a person: even more so.

la energía

2010-04-14T17:23:00.002-05:00

We gave presentations in Spanish class on Monday, and one of them was on the power of energy healing. My classmate (the presenter) asked for a volunteer, and after seeing the teacher's reaction to something she did with her arm, I volunteered too. And I felt it!

...a pulling from the palm and back of my hand as she worked the energy around my outstretched, relaxed hand. It was extremely interesting, and made my mind wander to so many things in life. For instance, some years ago, when I was in a relationship, my beau and I once had an intimate session where no touching took place. We didn't understand the power of the energy between us, but we knew it existed and manipulated it with our hands. That tension you feel between persons fighting... I often tend to believe that's an energy too. And my intuition... what an energy! I am literally floored sometimes by the things I sensed or felt with no physical evidence whatsoever... and we must have recognized this energy and power for what it is, or we would never have given it a name.

I still believe there is so much in this life buried beneath the things we cannot see. Sometimes I wish, that like a diver, I could just put on the right gear and explore this unknown world, but then, that would be too easy and the mystery that is this life would lose its appeal.

chicle ecológico

2010-04-07T14:51:00.001-05:00

So I open up my pack of 15-stick Wringley's gum and notice a message on the inside of the box flap:

'Little changes can make a big difference. Wrigley switched to paper wrapper and saved about 850 metric tons of foil from going into landfills every year. New wrappers, same great taste'

And just as they said, I was able to throw my paper wrapper in the recycle bin. Hmmm, seems everyone is getting in on the saving-our-resource business. Pity it took this long to get the message, but better late than never!

YAY Wrigley!

la mente potente

2010-03-29T17:23:00.003-05:00

I am convinced that without a doubt, the brain is the most powerful organ we possess. Biologically, this is a given. Socially, I find this to also be true.

Our socialization is so powerful, that the limitations we set for ourselves rotate around what we were taught is true about life. There were many things drilled into my head as a child, but the ones that I believe shape the way I am the most are these:

'what man has done, man may do and better'
- my mom constantly told us this every time there was something we thought we could not do. As long as it can be done by man, we could do it. It is what led me to sign up for a dive course when I could hardly swim, to tell a potential client I could do a painting for money when I was grossly out of practice, to join a symphony orchestra when I was barely able to sight read my own music. Though they were all very scary, I figured it can't be that hard right!?

'yu waan mi gi yu supm tu crai fo? / grow a backbone'
- Said by my mother and brother respectively when ever I cried after getting punished... and yes, I would bawl at just being shouted at. Sounds harsh, but really it means, control yourself. Sure it is OK to cry, but the cowering away and the lack of confidence was not OK. I had to drill this one into my mind on a few occasions when I would otherwise let my emotions get the best of me. Fear and heartbreak are two things not easily overcome by will power... thankfully, I also learned...

'I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength'
- this one goes farther than any other I know. It's what keeps me sane through madness, keeps me happy through turmoil, and keeps my hope alive in a place that drags me more often than it lifts me.

'You control the bicycle, the bicycle doesn't control you'
My brother said these words to me when he was at or near the age of ten and teaching me to ride... and I never forgot them. It helped me then, and it helps me still. I substitute bicycle for any object and watch fear transform into confidence. I suppose because it was said to me so young and with such authority, that I believed it with all my heart and made it true.

I was given a paperback booklet The Power Of Positive Thinking (Norman Vincent Peale) by my aunt when I was in high school, and I think it turned me into a happy child. I can't explain it, but it did. I'm still convinced that there is major power in the way we think... positive or negative... we decide.

la televisión

2010-03-22T20:45:00.001-05:00

I do not watch TV.

I didn't make a life decision not to watch it. It just happened.

For many years when I was smaller the TV was just not working, and we did not fix it. I found many fun things to do with my siblings instead. When dad came home from his overseas travels and found no TV, he quickly rectified the situation. But by then, our habit had been broken.

Now, I will stare at the screen almost mindlessly if it is on, but I will not be the one to turn it on, nor will I miss it when it is off. When thinking of the things I need, purchase of a TV doesn't even come to mind. That's one expense I am happy to live without.

los años de solo

2010-03-21T19:45:00.009-05:00

They are quick to say
the number of broken marriages are growing everyday,
people can't seem to stop themselves from cheating,
many believe lasting love has only been retreating from view.
Little example of happy couples to follow,
many who were ecstatic at their beginning are left hollow
and empty.
And at the end of it all, what do we say?
"This is not meant for me;
maybe marriage was not meant to be this way,
for it is human nature to want to stray;
It's bondage to think of one alone for the rest of your life;
Today's statistics just don't support having a wife..."

But maybe marriage is not to blame
maybe it's the way we play the dating game,
for before many of us enter into that sacred vow
we play the field and gain valuable experience that somehow
makes us more equipped for the lifetime journey of love and commitment...
hmmm, someone sense an ironic denouement?
for how can we gain experience for lifetime commitment to one
when we have practiced giving our heart away to more than one?
We have laid a foundation of dealing with pain, of suppressing our feelings, of starting again, of ending it all when we can't work it out,
of finding another, and another who may better fit the part.
And when we have done all this, in the end we claim
that what we have done is gained experience in love's great name.

For all we know, we could simply be reaping what we sow,
a seed of broken homes, infidelity, and mistrust,
because we believed the lie our culture taught us.

practice makes perfect

el calle nuevo

2010-03-18T10:33:00.002-05:00

Over the next few days...
this blog
and my life
will change.

ok, not much with the life part, but it sounded so much more grandiose didn't it?! :D

not my job

2010-03-02T16:28:00.004-05:00

I posted about this before, and the problem still exists. Based on my personality, I'm not sure it will go away until I do.

I have people constantly coming to me to deal with things that are just not my job to manage. I'm told I have a sense of urgency about me; I can manage it; I'm authoritative; people will listen if I say it; it will get done if I say it to you... all the excuses that on one hand could be considered flattering, but most times feels more like stress.

The problem is I actually care. I care that we have a professional face that people will see. I care how we treat our clients. I care about getting the best for our concerts. I care about getting money from our sponsors. I care about the future of the group. I care, apparently too much, or maybe just too much more than others. This care drives me to be urgent, and get things done, and call back the client, and rough up the members, and call meetings... but it leaves me drained, emotionally and physically. I can't do it by myself, and I should not have to. If others are there and have a job to do... they need to do their part or walk away. It is better to not have anyone there, be aware of the gap, and try to fill it; than to have someone there, think the job will get done, and then it just doesn't. But then, if so few care... why should I?

Guilty of being in love. Sentenced to a lifetime of disappointment.
Maybe it's time to just walk away.

radiant like the loving sun

2010-02-26T08:44:00.006-05:00

I have a very unique name.

I love my first name, meaning and all. It seems however to be the name most butchered by way of pronunciation. Either from lazy listening or incorrect phonetic application, people just don't seem to get that name right on the first try.

My last, though just as strange as the first, is far easier to pronounce, more from familiarity than any thing else. Of course, uniqueness + familiarity = 2 things: 1. a substitution of the first name for the last; and 2. the usual questioning of family relations, which I have grown accustomed to hearing and answering.

Though the situation is always more lengthy on first introductions, I love my name and wouldn't substitute it for any other.

Good job mom & dad!

natural equations

2010-02-19T11:04:00.002-05:00

It is probably accepted that those who were good at math went on to be involved in accounting, physics, actuarial sciences etc, but possibly not biology or environmental science.

I bet you would be surprised though, to realize just how much math is in everything natural... literally. If you did botany (the study of plants) for example, you would quickly realize that plants have distinct patterns that are so exact, they can be modelled mathematically. In fact, quite a lot of nature can.

Though it is difficult to see with the naked eye, upon intimate scrutiny, much of nature’s growth (wild as it seems) takes on an exact form to which mathematical equations can be applied. Even the interaction between living and non-living transfers numbers there too. This is why climate studies can also use mathematical models… the same with oceanography and many other biological sciences.

frustration is...

2010-02-11T12:37:00.003-05:00

people.

it begins again

2010-02-08T09:56:00.003-05:00

The first meeting has been called,
the duties have been assigned,
the ideas have started to churn,
the arguments are starting to build,
the uncertainty is looming,
the excitement is miles away from the surface...
Panfest is in the air.

intrepret me #3

2010-01-28T14:46:00.002-05:00

"...horse dead and cow fat"

air or water meter?

2010-01-28T12:39:00.009-05:00

It appears that a large majority of my friendship circle is experiencing water issues. Either it goes off in the morning, or in the evening, or is just plain off!

A coworker of mine recently discovered that when you turn your pipe on, and no water is running, your water meter is. But not only is it running, it's sprinting... faster than it would if you had the water on full blast.

Be very careful to turn all your pipes off when your water is gone. And when turning it on just to check if it's back, ensure it's only on for a very quick period of time.

Don't believe me?
See for yourself -> AIR or WATER

your task, my job

2010-01-25T11:39:00.006-05:00

Prevention is to keep from occurring; avert or hinder. Preventing pollution results from a change in mindset to not generate waste from the outset. It’s the most effective way to manage waste, but is the most difficult: altering human behaviour always is.

The key to preventing waste is to realize that each one has the potential to create it.

One individual combined with another can make a household.
Combined households make communities and parishes.

But what can YOU do? Think about the last time you went to the bin. Now identify the thing you discarded. For most, it will be some type of wrapping or packaging.

Everyone in Jamaica is almost guaranteed to toss at least one piece of wrapping per day. That’s a combined population effort of over two million pieces per day.

Here is where the challenge kicks in:
the time to think about what to do with the garbage is NOT when it is already in your hand… it is before you even acquire it…that’s how prevention works.

Fruits bought from the market and stored in a cloth or canvas bag
generate no (non-biodegradable) waste
when compared to its counterpart in the supermarket
in a foamed plate with clear plastic wrapping.

When it comes to food, the amount of waste generated seems to increase with our appetites. Packaging for cooked food is to protect it, but can be a tad excessive. In cases where you can identify the excess, it’s acceptable to simply tell the clerk to hold that extra bag.

If a patty already comes in a paper bag,
does it need a plastic bag as well?

Reusing containers, especially over long periods, prevents garbage. This is encouraged, even over recycling which is costly, and mostly completed outside of the country.

A personalized cloth bag
used to store groceries at the supermarket
can be reused for years while preventing
the large collection of disposable plastic bags in your home.

Don’t be fooled by the great advertising of ‘easy as pie, one time use, and toss’. It’s a marketing strategy for you to keep buying the thing you keep throwing away. If we really want to make a difference with our waste (solid, liquid and gas) we have to take our thinking beyond the habits and the routine. It’s our country, and our responsibility.

article entry for internal magazine

siesta siesta

2010-01-21T13:46:00.004-05:00

Those two dreaded hours after lunch time are the absolute worst of the entire workday. After anticipating lunch all morning, you finally get it, only for your body to go on literal shut down.

Spain and many other countries with high temperatures have this wonderful feature in the middle of the day, after lunch, where you get to nap. It's not just a nap either, it's go home and eat and sleep. Sigh. What a wonderful concept! While going all the way home to my hilltop is not exactly ideal, I do believe I would still benefit from such a luxury... especially since I usually lose the sleep battles at my desk anyway.

extra sensory

2010-01-13T08:33:00.007-05:00

I told everyone a quick goodbye, we hopped in the car and I drove out.

As I got to the top of my road I felt like maybe I should be picking him up. But someone always calls if he needs a ride, and no one said anything to me this morning. I was about to dismiss it, but the mere fact that I was second guessing something as normal as not picking him up was bugging me. I called home and dad said he had heard nothing of him needing a ride, but that if I felt uncomfortable, I should pass by the house anyway. I did. He was waiting.

One third way through the journey, my mom calls in a panic, apologizing that she completely forgot to tell me that Adrian needed a ride to school this morning. I smiled broadly, and calmly told her that I had him.

It's wise to listen to that angel whispering to your senses

dear missa editor, sir:

2010-01-12T10:36:00.003-05:00

While I have enjoyed the reviews of plays (and movies) that the Gleaner had been issuing for 2009, I must say that 2010 has started on a disappointing note. I found the review of Cindy in today's paper quite disappointing and grossly inadequate. I felt the reviewer took to telling the readers way too much of the script and plot and not enough of how the show was: good or bad. If I had not already seen the show, I would be downright upset that the reviewer chose to tell us how all the stories wrapped up and reveal audience 'wow' moments. That's what we go to the play to see! We don't wish to have it told. It's the equivalent of a movie spoiler.

The show had its fair share of problems, none of which have been highlighted by your reviewer (the bad sound / mic problems for the whole first half; the failed attempts at making the magical moments feel magical to the audience; yes, poor singing and the length of the script - which had she done any investigation she would know that the director wished to cut it, but the writer did not sanction any cuts to the script). And then the parts that were not a problem at all are highlighted as major problems with this reviewer (the blocking of the characters was actually quite good; and the movement of set pieces was flawless, even though they protruded pass the curtain line, which I might add, made the audience feel included; the explanation of the characters at the beginning was humorous, which was obviously lost on this reviewer).

The role played by Patria-Kaye Aarons was so superb she deserves way more than just a one liner stating that she was 'dynamic'. The roles of the ugly step-sisters was also superb given that they were played by members of the opposite sex, and at the end of this review I'm not even sure if the reviewer is saying their performance was good or it was bad, but simply that the actors enjoyed it (?).

I make a humble plea that when releasing reviews for plays, that you ensure there are no spoilers, especially since the play has one more weekend to go, and there would be readers who would not have seen the show yet.

Thanks for the opportunity to voice my opinion. Hope we can go back to getting the same quality we have come to expect from the Gleaner Play reviews.

interpret me #2

2010-01-11T08:47:00.003-05:00

"Wat no kil, fatn"

enclosed cells

2010-01-11T08:39:00.002-05:00

The outside air is fresh and freezing, the inside one is warm and musty!

It's a little ridiculous when you think about the conditions in which we are expected to work. Yes, the building does not belong to us and they have tried to create as many office spaces as can possibly hold, but a design where all the managers offices lie on the perimeter is clearly unfairly skewed. It cannot be seen as acceptable for the rest of the large workforce to use windowless spaces, blocked off from light and air.

Environmental health and safety? No wonder we miss the mark.

dry hurricane

2010-01-11T08:34:00.003-05:00

Not a drop of visible rain, but some seriously howling winds.

I have yet to investigate the weather activity causing this wonderfully cold phenomenon in Jamaica right now, but this morning literally reminded me of Fall in NY. Tiles were too cold to touch with bare feet; water too cold to bathe without heat; only that specific spot in the bed where I laid was warm enough to support the heavenly-est of sleep... and that it did.

morning sickness

2010-01-11T08:27:00.002-05:00

No, it's not the one you think.

My morning sickness has everything to do with my reluctance to move from the comfort of my bed, and the ensuing tiredness when I do. This is completely independent of the time I get to bed and the number of hours of blissful sleep, as I have tested the full array of possibilities.

I simply have to conclude that I am not a morning person, and it gets worse with the falling outdoor temperatures. What a joy it was to curl up in a warm bed this morning... and what a pain to have had to move!

the year of the tiger

2010-01-04T11:40:00.007-05:00

It's the turn of a new decade
one with a punch... 2010

That name just seems to engulf action
It has a power-packed ring to it that could mean the year of getting it done.

That passion that you had sitting on a shelf,
it's time to make it real.
That annoying cycle of bad habits that you want to break,
it's time to ditch it.
That person that you want to become,
it's time to make it happen...
today is the today...
this year is the year...
it's the year of the tiger
it's twenty ten!

interpret me #1

2010-01-01T14:37:00.006-05:00

The first of weekly Jamaican quotes up for interpretation by all. Some may be in English slang. All Jamaican Patois will be written in the Cassidy System.

"If you live in a glass house, don't throw stone"

id.10.t issue no. 489

2009-12-24T15:47:00.004-05:00

A decision was made and a directive issued to the Public Sector that we shall no longer leave work earlier than the normal end-time on the day prior to national public holidays.

So here we are, wasting away the hours inside the office, watching the traffic build outside as the rest of Jamaica leaves work early. If this was meant to stimulate productivity, Bruce you are way off the mark. You don't stimulate productivity by taking away incentives. Most would not bother to include Christmas Eve in their vacation time because you got to leave work early anyway. That meant, usually almost the whole office was present in the morning, getting work done like the rest of Jamaica, and happily skipping out the doors by 2pm the latest. Now, you have simply forced us to apply for it on our vacation time and skip the day altogether, because who in their right mind wants to be stuck in peak shopping traffic trying to get home from a stupidly long day at the office on Christmas Eve.

thick'ing

2009-12-10T13:01:00.003-05:00

No thinning hair 'roun' here...

on the contrary my head appears to changes its entire shape by the arrangement of the thickness of curls on my head. They roll and tumble unto themselves and seems to stiffen and harden in the sun, and soften with the gentle caress of water. They have minds of their own, and a stubbornness that knows no bounds. On many occasions, they are impossible to tame, and I am forced to simply leave them be and attempt to huddle them together as best I can.

that show you love

2009-12-10T08:14:00.009-05:00

Long after the music has stopped and the last pan has been packed away, some are still preparing for performance.

'It will happen', is what they say,
'it will all come together and everything will be great',
but IT does not do any thing, people do things,
people make it happen...
and though many are working hard on their music,
there are people working endlessly behind the music,
behind the stumps and the idea of leaves,
behind the endless moving and complaining about the stage arrangement. There are people working to make it happen,
and these people are the ones who cannot afford to not make it happen.
It may be our fault for not doing as great a job of integrating as last year
but this time it feels as though the majority would have done their mediocre, singing all the while that it will all come together
while the rest is all riding on the backs of a faithful few
who bicker and stress and go largely unappreciated for now
until the loud applause at the end.

As little as it does right now: THANK YOU
you know yourselves.

9 days to showtime

to who?

2009-12-04T09:58:00.003-05:00

My coworker and I have found, completely independently, that we talk to ourselves... out loud. The work environment has become so busy and hectic that we literally have to give instructions:

'no yuh know, you will not start the day like that... it's not happening'

'focus Rae'

'ok, just get rid of one more pan task but then you MUST review that file!'

At least our outbursts to ourselves are office-worthy... most of the time.

the band plays on

2009-11-23T08:33:00.005-05:00

And now, the final bow... or so I thought.

The major symphony orchestra concert is over, with its fair share of hiccups and heart-swelling. There were times during the show that we got goosebumps and shivers from the awesomeness of the sound, and equally when we were mortified at a piece going horribly wrong. Unfortunately, the highlight of the steelpan section was far from the highlight of the show... in fact, the word cacophony was used to describe parts of it. This was in no way a result of the arrangement or composition... it's a solid piece of music. However the lack of adequate rehearsal and experience with the piece for all involved proved fatal. Nevertheless, many walked away with smiles and the usual 'congrats' to offer.

I would say I am relieved to have some semblance of time once again allocated to myself, but that is wishful thinking. One down. Two to go.

Yes, TWO.

As late as last week Thursday, we were invited to play The Messiah... the whole Messiah... in Mandeville on Sunday (uh-huh THIS Sunday). I must be out of my mind, but for some reason I agreed to this madness. And so the rehearsals continue, not only for our all-pan show in December, but for another symphony performance on the weekend.

Dare I say I am entering the life of a professional musician? Ay-yayai!

strapping in

2009-11-20T12:32:00.002-05:00

I put it on in the morning, look in the mirror, and all is well... then all of a sudden during the day, it's poking out, like a defiant child who insists on sticking his head around the corner to see what is forbidden.

The top offers no amount of discipline, for it too seems in league with the defiant strap, hiding it away at the time when the decision is to be made, and then uncovering it thereafter. And at the end of the day, it is only I who can be blamed for their indiscipline, because I created the problem by putting them together in the first place.

orchestra experiences

2009-11-16T10:16:00.004-05:00

There is less than a week to go to the Jamaica Symphony Orchestra concert and I think our new section, scared as hell at that very first rehearsal, has come a very far way. I will even jump the gun and say I am proud to be a part of the steelpan section before we have even performed. The actual outcome of the concert remains to be seen, but I know we have put in a lot of work as a section.

I will say this whole experience has taken me outside of my regular pan playing and shoved me into a category in which I had to improve. No questions asked.

I will do it again, if only for the major benefit I receive and for the challenge and experience, but an all-pan band will forever remain closest to my heart.

brake it up

2009-10-30T09:02:00.006-05:00

I have long been convinced that the indiscipline we see on our roads is not just the fault of the bad drivers alone, but all drivers. Why? Because we let them. I'm very much guilty of it... after all, I want to get where I'm going, and I would prefer to have my life and car intact when I get there. But this morning, I was simply not in the mood.

An intersection, the light has turned green, but the lane in which we are to proceed has an oncoming minibus, full of passengers, blazing towards us with his horn going and lights flashing, overtaking the long line of traffic waiting to go, as he should have been doing. The cars ahead of me swerve to the left to 1. avoid getting hit and 2. get through the green light before it changes. I however, amazingly feeling very unperturbed, did not even lift my foot off the brake, forcing the bus to stop when he got to my car, releasing all manner of fabric as he did so.

The drivers behind me seemed patient enough, for now they too were stuck at a green light, but no one blew their horn. The minibus driver, though clearly very agitated, had no choice but to filter back into the lane of traffic he was trying to avoid, and now, since none of the cars behind me had swerved, he had no space to overtake the lane again... yet.

unsettling

2009-10-22T11:00:00.004-05:00

I'm feeling restless. It's odd to be feeling restless when I have this many things to accomplish. You would think that maybe those tasks would be enough for me to feel satisfied, yet I don't.

It's as if I have many compartments, and though one section (the tasks/obligations/assignments compartment) seems filled to capacity, there's another one that feels exceedingly empty. Now if I could only put my finger on what exactly that compartment represents, I may be able to do something about it.

wanted

2009-10-22T08:10:00.001-05:00

Personal Assistant for hire

metamorphosis

2009-10-19T00:09:00.009-05:00

There was a concert on Saturday, planned in very large part by a handful of us which caused me it's fair share of stress these past few weeks. Coupled with an already full plate, it meant back to back days of late nights to bed and early to rise. Now my body should be used to this, because even when I don't have something scheduled, I go to bed late anyway, but for some reason it seems to respond differently when my late nights are not by my choice. Go figure. It's just stubborn, possibly like it's owner.

However the challenge that was Metamorphosis is over, and a great experience it was. The audience, though relatively small, made the effort all worthwhile. To hear them respond with applause to the reading that started the show before even one piece was performed warmed my heart immensely. The late start not withstanding, the show ran pretty well, and of course the ending was the blast we hoped it would have been. Puts you in a spot when you don't have an encore, but in this instance I think both audience and performers were delighted to simply have that last piece again.

Major big-ups to my personal groups: Hands In Symphony, V.I.P., M.O.V.E., & C Major

See you all again next time.

october's dozen: the big GD

2009-10-12T08:26:00.013-05:00

Yup, it's my Groundhog Day celebration!!

The day (and age) that will occur every October 12 from here on out :D This time around I had some truly memorable moments. THANKS GUYS!!!

SPECIAL THANK YOUS!
First text message: Miss Nix
First bday song heard on the day: Moms & Rac
First voicemailed birthday song: Le-Le
Most original song: Aunty V & Panoridim (?!)
First bday card: Panoridim (unnu a gwaan good man)
Best collection of shout-outs: everyone on the Facebook wall!
Big up to all the callers!! and texters - you spent money on me... aww
Most useful gift: Russia
Best absentee excuse: Shanz (get well soon babe!)
Best rhyming sentiment: Lissy
Best dinner celebration: You know family & friends cyaa compete... dats a tie!
Best surprise gift: CARLA T!!! (Dun kno!)

statement of the year

2009-10-10T21:36:00.002-05:00

'Be the best you,
you will never exist again'
- D.D.

Quoted from one of the many hand-written sentiments in my (early-opened) birthday card. Thanks Guys!

taking it in

2009-10-08T10:29:00.002-05:00

Statements made by those around you,
words glanced on a page,
actions being observed...
You really do learn something new everyday

Today I gained invaluable musical knowledge in one statement on a phone call.

Thanks B!

bubbling energy

2009-10-08T09:19:00.005-05:00

She walked around the corner to a string of bubbles floating on laughter, filling the air... and how fitting the scene.

A true story-teller, she is one of the best people to have in the office. Her bubbly nature makes coming to a dull and dreary place far from dull or dreary. The best thing about her is her affinity for drama. Take any situation, place it in her hands, and you have a true sitcom in the making: a literal joy to watch!

Our personalities are not the same, but they compliment and a power-house of a team has resulted.

To the crazy third of Senior's Angels :) May you live to have many more years of hilarity, drama, exercise (hopefully not with KB as your trainer, though if that happens, call me so I can watch!), Facebook fun, extra thumbs for the BB, fun, friends, and tonnes and tonnes of laughter!

Happy Birthday Shanz!

fill alarm

2009-10-02T12:09:00.002-05:00

October has begun and with it a myriad of things that need to be accomplished: weddings, anniversaries, birthday celebrations, concerts and events, classes, studies... one by one, back to back. I need to be careful, I've heard one too many people compare me to my mother, and if you know her or her schedule, you'd realize that's not a good thing. But the fact is that I enjoy the majority of the things I do, and am genuinely happy to be doing them.

My red flag though is my Saturday.

I've come to realize that if my Saturdays are scheduled to the point of restricting spontaneity then I will feel the weight of my limited time. For all my other days, Sunday included, routine is expected and can be handled, but not my Saturday, and worse my Saturday morning. The routine of pan in the afternoon or any other afternoon session seems to be my limit. Anything more than that and my spare time feels like it's in jeopardy.

... and my red flag is currently waving.

I do not have my Saturdays for at least the next 3 weeks and neither my body nor my mind is satisfied with this. But I'll push along with it for now, only because the end is visible.

showering

2009-10-01T22:19:00.002-05:00

I'm closer to him than I am to her, but today that didn't matter. All the girls met and celebrated with the estrogen half of the KJ duo, a day that is only moments away... the day they proclaim to the world that they will love, honour, cherish, and stay with only one.

and then some

2009-09-26T23:39:00.001-05:00

Biting off more than one can chew leads to tired jaws.

broken

2009-09-25T08:43:00.000-05:00

There are days when my body just refuses to conform to the routine... today is one of those.

traffic blocking

2009-09-23T09:36:00.004-05:00

2 hours

That's how long it took to get to work yesterday. 2 hours of sitting in traffic, getting stir crazy in my car, listening to music, and trying desperately to keep my body focused though it was running on minimum sleep-juice. 6:30am was the hour I left my house, to ensure that both my sister and I got to our destinations on-time. It seemed as though 80% of the Kingston drivers did exactly the same thing.

This morning, being on-time was not a consideration. My sister was with my dad, and I deliberately left my house at 8:15am, when most schools should be in session. I got to work in half an hour.

pan movement

2009-09-21T10:30:00.006-05:00

I asked for it and I got it.

An opportunity to use my investment in my own steelpan to enhance my playing, increase my knowledge of music and even get some monetary reward on that investment. I got it all in one shot, at a time when I thought I could not possibly add any thing else to my plate.

The Jamaica Symphony Orchestra (JSO) is exactly what it says, a full string, wind and percussion orchestra that has steelpan as it's instrument of choice for their percussion section. The music is not memorized, but read, and rehearsals are for musical expression as you are already expected to be playing the right notes and timing (those are on your score, so no time given for that, you should be reading it!)

Though a scary thought and experience, I am actually extremely excited to be a part of this group. There is no doubt that my musical reading skills must improve, and I am now looking at the playing of the music in a different way, a much more expressive way. I find myself itching to get my music back on a stand and my sticks back in my hands to rehearse and experiement.

down and out

2009-09-15T08:56:00.004-05:00

Today is one of those days when I wouldn't mind heading down that flight of stairs and straight out the building!

The seawater is again calling my name, and though I heeded the call just days ago, I feel as if I need it again.

The frequency with which I have these days is becoming alarming. I know I don't enjoy what I do in this place, but I enjoy working with the people I work with. There are however people here who I find it hard to work with, and they can really kill a day with nothing more than their presence. Wall stiff personalities and inflexibility in a team setting really does not find popularity in the office. And so I sigh today and pray that the personalities I love can cancel out the ones I just can't stand to be around.

'Life is relationships; everything else is detail'

lyme hall

2009-09-13T23:36:00.008-05:00

Think of all the people you know in Kingston with my last name, maiden or married. If you tried to contact any of us in the last 4 days you would realize we were all in the same place, lyming in Lime Hall, St. Ann.

We visited my dad's cousin who, along with his wife, built their dream house in Jamaica, where they both plan to retire. Though it is only two of them, they definitely planned for guests! The house sports 6 bedrooms, 51/2 bathrooms and some crazy lounging spaces (including the roof, swimming pool, 2 dining areas & of course big-screen comfort!). And if that isn't enough, the sibling's house next door with the adjoining walk-through fence has even more rooms to accommodate each person or couple in their own private space.

Peaceful, enjoyable, relaxing and nourishing! The food, oh the food. My family is famous for gathering around occasions that involve eating, and this was no different. With two birthdays in the group to celebrate back to back there was much for which to feast and toast.

Here's to years, health, vacation & FAMILY!
May we live to see many, many, many more.

I love my job

2009-09-07T12:20:00.004-05:00

I complain bitterly about my job, that scheduled slab of time that steals away from other interests... but it really does have it perks, and it's about time I stop and acknowledge them before they disappear and I have to do it in retrospect.

First and foremost on the list: VACATION! Yea I know, when my biggest job perk is my vacation time you don't have to ask where my priorities lie, but it's a very important perk nonetheless. I want a day or ten, I take them. I want a month off, heck I can take that too! I'm feeling sick (and yes, sick of the office qualifies) I can take a day and go on some medication... I hear seawater is great for healing all ills. For that, I love my job.

Next up, the pay. It may not be the best pay ever, far from (as you can judge from it being number 2 on the list), but I know come that certain day every month, all the money I drained from my account will reappear. What a blessing of life to get paid. Put that money and vacation time together, and we're getting good now. I love my job for that.

And oh the benefits. Again, not the best, but heck! I bought a brand new car this year off the same salary they pay me, duty concession and all. I have back-up money if I get sick and I'm slowly storing up money for retirement. Lots of people don't have this stuff. I love my job for that.

Now put that vacation time, the money AND the car together and life gets pretty sweet!

St. Ann, here I come!

feliz

2009-09-04T21:49:00.005-05:00

Esta noche, la clase de español tuvo una fiesta para Daniel. El regresa a Venezuela domingo. El dice que yo no fallé una examén porque los grados por la clase estuvieron muy buenos y ellos equilibrados!

¡Agradezco a Dios!

relativity

2009-09-04T17:22:00.003-05:00

I was asked to describe a bad time in my life and I went blank. Under pressure, I just could not think of any. When I relayed this to a friend, she immediately pin-pointed that I lost two of my close friends in one year... and I did.

2008 had some serious rough times now that I think about it, and yet, for some reason, 2k9 feels more rough than last year. Do we really filter out the bad so much so that we completely forget it with time? Or maybe the highs of '08 were high enough to tip the scale to an even balance.

'To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment'
-George Lansdowne

esperando

2009-09-03T10:18:00.005-05:00

¿Qué haces cuando no puedes encontrar las palabras para expresarse?

Después de yo he estudiar español para cuatro nivels, yo no puedo hablar las palabras correctas en el examén de oral.

Esta decepcionante.

big man ting

2009-08-24T11:37:00.003-05:00

I count myself a strong woman. That said however, I have no problems yielding to a strong man.

I have had the opportunity of dissecting parts of the Bible in which it is clearly seen as God's will that a man lead. I believe it wholeheartedly. I have no problems with women who seek leadership positions for themselves, and whereas I have been described as a potentially strong leader, when it comes to church and home particularly, I believe it is the man's job and I do not wish to have it.

This is one of the reasons a strong Christian man is important to me. If I am the only one following God in my home then I will feel compelled to take the lead and I don't believe I should have to.

Church is a similar thing. Female pastors, God bless you all, but if I have a son I want him to have a man to look up to. Girls are good to go regardless as strong women to emulate is easier to come by, but men need good strong men, and in a society where that is already lacking, I don't think I want to add yet another female figure for my boy to have to look up to. Women have a lot of responsibilities as it is, and even though many people want to erase gender differences, I believe they are there for a reason and that society works best if we embrace them rather than fight against them. Generally, women have more patience than men for a reason, are more emotional creatures for a reason, are built physically different for a reason.

Pastors, deacons, elders, leaders... MEN! Take your places and do them well... then we women will not have to do them for you.

battling from between

2009-08-24T11:24:00.002-05:00

Coming off the heels of camp I have had a need to be in an atmosphere of a different kind of worship than my home church allows. I have found the right atmosphere elsewhere, but am faced with a dilemma. I feel like I can make a bigger impact at my home church but that it does not provide what I need. I think a decision to get food from one to feed the other might be the balance, but is it what God wants? I have some listening to do.

di real ting!

2009-08-16T23:45:00.005-05:00

Sell it, sell it, sell it... SOLD!!

Another Moorlands camp week that SELL OFF!!!

After inititally thinking that I didn't really want to counsel camp this year, I made the decision that I would because of the benefit for me as well as the campers. Thus started my Friday meetings at Props & Moni's house from months before in preparation for camp. The meetings were always powerful spiritually, and now that camp is over, it is actually the first thing I miss.

However, the week itself was amazing. As usual, I have crazy cool activities to bank in my lyme-idea reservoir, but for me, this year was about spiritual growth... di real ting, no fluff and show. As almost a continuation from the style of the meetings, the camp took on a powerful spirit from as early as day 2. We had a truly blessed speaker (BIG man like Sarge!) who made each session extremely interesting and pointed. By the end of the week, I think almost everyone had made some kind of decision towards either choosing God for the 1st time or drawing closer to Him. I'm definitely included in the latter... ready to give it up: my talents, time, and all - di real ting - to di real BIG MAN!

'Real love, real life... You're di real ting Jesus' - 2 Hype

Moorlands a nice camp!

like you?

2009-08-16T23:29:00.005-05:00

Why do people shave/wax/pluck their eyebrows?

Who or what decided that a 'pretty' eyebrow means it forms a straight line? Do we even think about it or are we just mindlessly influenced by media and the 'public' that this is pretty and anything else is not?

If you want to shave your armpits, genitals, and wherever else for hygiene reasons, be my guest. But when you're shaving yourself (eyebrows included) to look pretty, stop for a minute and ask yourself some questions. What really is pretty? Does it mean more neat? Does it mean more white? What race has their eyebrows in a straight line? Does pretty mean looking like that race? Why can't we finally and simply love ourselves for what we already look like? When will we stop marginalizing our natural selves and our differences?

tempting

2009-08-06T12:00:00.002-05:00

Another great job opening in a Caribbean island that I am qualified to take, ready to take it, and obligated to let it pass me by.

adventure trails

2009-07-29T12:01:00.002-05:00

I love 'drive-outs' and I don't believe I stumbled unto this love unassisted.

My mom would pile us up, my brother, sister and me, into the car on any random day and say that we were going exploring. Sometimes she had a destination in mind. Other times, she did not, and it was a true drive-out, only stopping to disembark when we returned home. She would take strange roads we had never driven before and show us various things through the car window. She would drive up hills and overlook the city or take us to the beach.

I find that now I still love doing all those things. I like being driven to far places (even sometimes doing the driving) and no matter the distance I tend to already think the fun has begun from the time I sit in the car. I can eat, sleep, read or simply just stare through the window during any car ride. I love exploring new places and have a great appreciation for nature and high mountain scenes overlooking cities and valleys... and I have my mom to thank for that.

voices

2009-07-29T11:55:00.001-05:00

I hear them and so do you. But we're not crazy. Those little voices inside that give us direction when we need it.

I followed that voice (or followed my mind as we like to call it) yesterday and turned off one traffic-filled road only to find a completely free one... a decision to obey the voice well rewarded. However a different voice played this morning, one that dragged me low and made me cry. Are all the voices in our heads worth hearing?

I suspect there is a battle of the voices going on, and in the end the one we listen to, internalize and obey is up to us. But we must choose wisely, for what we make our mind internalize and act upon is who we become.

power of choice part deux

2009-07-29T11:37:00.003-05:00

Another death by car accident, most likely the result of a decision made by one person that affected himself or others.

I'm always in awe over the power that our decisions have in this life. One quick choice in a particular direction could leave serious scars or cause you to cease from existing on this earth entirely. Wow. Too much power in one instant of time.

No wonder I suffer from indecision.

heavy days

2009-07-28T16:09:00.003-05:00

She's sad today, as her walls go painfully closing in on her. She's hot, bothered, and vomiting her insides out... but she's not sick. She wishes to be free from her constant bondage. To feel the water of the sea and the wonderful wind on her raw, uncovered skin. But she cannot. Instead, her only release is a heavy dose of medicated sleep.

watching

2009-07-23T08:41:00.004-05:00

I watched him as he crossed the street, average-looking, well dressed man with an air of confidence about him that enhanced his appearance to handsome. I thought about the fact that there were eyes on him that he knew nothing of. I then thought about the fact that there have possibly been many times when there were eyes on me that also escaped my knowing.

gone

2009-07-22T10:52:00.003-05:00

It always amazes me that I have the ability to sit in a room and be completely unaware of all that is going on around me. It's like I have been transported to a completely different place but have somehow left my body sitting there, fully convincing others that I am present.

the power of choice

2009-07-21T09:29:00.004-05:00

'Two things in front of you. choose one.
I pray you choose the right one based on what I taught you
but in the end, it's your choice.'

We often hold people in high respect when they give us our choices and make us simply suffer our own consequences. After all, we are our own people. But if choice is power, then would it not stand to reason that God has given us some of his power, and that the way things turn out and the shaping of the world is not in fact God 'making it be that way' but us?

I find it very disturbing that man, after making our own choices, will turn to God and be angry with the circumstances. Some angry to the point of disbelief: they tried 'that religion thing', and it didn't work out for them. I believe that God guides us into making the right choices but in the end, it is still our choice to make and we do just that.

God - the one I know, who stands for good - has made it clear that there is another force opposite to him, a force we like to ignore and not talk about. Instead we like to think there is God and us and nothing more, and say we are shaping our own lives. But God himself says that a choice that is not in His direction is in the devil's direction... and we see it... every single day of life we see it.

So many people have ignored God; have never heard his voice; have chosen to disobey his words, or worse, not even read them; have chosen to be the gods of their own lives. How can we possibly turn and then say that God has given us the bad that we have experienced? We are obviously missing a serious part of the whole puzzle.

For those of us who believe that we are making the choices that God would have wanted us to make, we still have to realize that the rest of the world may not be. So when a God-fearing mother loses her 2 year old child because a drunk driver hit her down... remember that driving drunk was the driver's choice... not God's.

Now think of billions of people making their own choices and you will come up with a matrix of infinite outcomes (diseases, war, pollution, poverty, segregation, recession) that you can no longer trace to one, single bad decision.

When God asks us to tell others about him, there is a wealth of wisdom behind that request. We can't be selfish about it because the fact is that we have to live in this world that is shaped by choices... our choices and the choices of others. The more decisions are made without the influence of God is the less of God (and good) we will see in everyday life and the less we can blame him for 'making' it that way... because when you examine it, WE made it that way.

hot flashes

2009-07-20T11:01:00.004-05:00

'the heatment is greatment in this department'...
what an understatement!

Hot water flowing through cold water taps
swimming pools with lukewarm water in the deep-end
hand shakes replacing hugs with a friend

Fans blaring in supposedly air-conditioned buildings
sweat-spots on clothes in inconvenient places
many miserable and sweaty faces

Cold tiles no longer cold
Feelings as though we could exist in the nude
kitchens with ovens left unused

literally melting away in one spot,
Why oh why is this summer so hot?!

"...when the thermometer goes 'way up
And the weather is sizzling hot,
Mister Pants for romance is not.
'Cause it's too, too, too darn hot!"
- Ella Fitzgerald

absence

2009-07-16T13:35:00.004-05:00

I took two days off to rest and rejuvenate. I slept late, went to the beach with loved ones and just relaxed. Thank goodness my job affords me days in which to do these things, only that now I am back at work, and counting the hours until the end.

I suppose no amount of days away can make my heart grow fond of this place.

an artist's dream

2009-07-14T12:26:00.004-05:00

I have a set of images in my head, each of them one part of a large masterpiece. If only I can turn the images inside out without compromising their original perfect form... if only my hands could reproduce my mind with complete precision.

hands

2009-07-12T23:59:00.003-05:00

There is a group of friends that have been brought together through family and church. Our lives have expanded and intertwined far beyond both and it is always a great time when I am reminded of why they became my friends in the first place.

May our hands forever be joined in symphony and harmony.

deafening

2009-07-09T08:59:00.002-05:00

What really is the point of earphones, if I can still hear your music blasting from seven feet away?

I think it is time to trade those earbuds in for hearing aids.

the locking story

2009-07-08T09:23:00.003-05:00

Yes, yes, after seven months of attempted locking, I cut my locks off. Impatience has something to do with it, but it was also a trial to begin with, and I'm not that attached to my hair to keep something that started to annoy me.

But all that aside, I'm actually not sold on the locks as a hairstyle for me. I believe too much in freedom of self, and shocking as this may seem to some, I believe locks for me is quite the opposite.

I see the concept of the look that it creates (especially with the fine sisterlocks) no different from the concept of creaming. The desired result: long and/or flowing. Yes, locking is a natural process, in that it does not use chemicals to create the effect and all the hair on your head grew from your own pores, but being mandated to go to someone every month to tighten the hell out of your scalp in a long gruelling process is not natural at all.

Bottom line: I don't want a hairstyle in which I must depend on someone else to comb my hair.

My hair is very tightly curled with more kinks in each strand than you can imagine. If left to grow on its own, it grows up and out and not down as most other hair-types do. I believe that many years of viewing other hair types as pretty, and viewing the natural 'black' hair as something that needs to be transformed into pretty, has scarred many a black woman. For some, locks is their way of taming that hair; for others, it is their way of achieving that lying-down, long, flowing look that they believe is so beautiful; for me... it is bondage.

transforming

2009-07-08T09:17:00.002-05:00

Though I know its power, it will still amaze me.

This morning, after being utterly annoyed by a series of bad drivers and what I believe is a conspiracy to jam certain roads with traffic on any given morning, my mood switched almost instantaneously from bad to great with the playing of music in my car.

I swear that if the car in front of me had been following all the facial expressions displayed by me this morning through their rear view mirror, they may have 'thunk' me a tad schizophrenic... just a tad.